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Saturday, September 29, 2007

U.S. Executes Terrorist Squirrel

Animal rights activists and squirrels alike are expressing outrage today, after a New York squirrel who grounded an American Airlines Flight was put to death. On February 14, Rocky, as the squirrel was known to friends, slipped past security and boarded a flight to Honolulu, Hawaii.

Rocky remained hidden within the Boeing 777 through the stop in Tokyo, but was discovered by pilots on route to Dallas Texas.

John Hotard, spokesman for the Fort Worth, Texas-based airline told CNN, "You do not want a varmint up in the wiring areas and what-have-you on an airplane. You don't want anything up there,"

The flight was diverted to Honolulu and all 202 passengers were given rooms in hotels for the night. Rocky, however, was not so comfortably treated. Rocky was captured by state wildlife officials and immediately executed.

Annie Blort, an animal rights activist and lawyer with the AACLU, (American Animal's Civil Liberty Union) is representing the family of Rocky the squirrel in a civil rights lawsuit against the state of Hawaii, "This is unconscionable, not only was my client denied due process and a fair trial, he was never proven a threat to the flight or it's passengers." Blort went on to comment that no explosive devices or weapons of any kind could be found on the squirrel, and that Rocky was just a mixed-up squirrel looking for a free ride. "This is a case of sqirrelism at its worst" Blort concluded.

Carl Fonteraine, a man who promised me that he was a press representative to the White Hose, had this to say, "Enemy Insurgent Squirrels are not afforded the same rights as law abiding squirrels under the Patriot Act. We have the right to detain, and yes, even execute them. Their participation in terrorist activity puts them in a different category."

When asked what the motivations of a terrorist squirrel might be, Fonteraine had this to say, "Squirrel insurgency has seen a sharp rise in recent years, although we have not yet made a provable link between the squirrels and Al-Quaeda, we know one is there. The fact that this is an American squirrel is what I find most disturbing."

Rocky's mother however, a portly middle aged New York squirrel named Florence, told a different story. "My son was a good squirrel." She said, "He had been mixed up in cashews, but he was getting his life back together. He wasn't no terrorist. They didn't have to kill him."

Actually, she didn't say any of that. She just chattered her little teeth and rolled an acorn in her paws. She's a squirrel, after all.

The incident reported was true. Annie Blort and Carl Fonteraine do not exist.


Nice to know "Professionals" are stealing my bits.


Hat Tip: SnM

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