Global Warming = Everybody Dead

The “Great Dying”, which happened 250 million years ago, is now thought to have been caused by global warming, which was caused by extreme volcanic activity. It was initially thought that something from beyond-an asteroid or comet-had caused the near extinction of every living thing on this planet.

“Animals and plants both on land and in the sea were dying at the same time and apparently from the same causes: too much heat and too little oxygen,” says University of Washington paleontologist Peter Ward

Global Warming! From recent news we’ve all heard that SUV’s have been causing increased global warming for the last decade. I have a feeling that because of this increase it will now take only a minimal amount of volcanic activity to trigger a massive death trap.

Because removing SUV’s from the equation is simply ridiculous, we have only one course of action: Stop volcanoes before they kill us all!

How to stop volcanoes from killing us:

First you have to understand what volcanoes actually are. From various documents and pictures I have studied, I have learned that they are mountain-like objects, some with holes in the top, that spew hot lava up from the bowels of the earth. The reason they erupt is apparently some sort of anti-gravity forces generated from the Moon, probably when it has expanded to its largest state and has its most power (a full moon phase).

Ok, now that we have the basics we need to find a solution to the problem. We need to stop them from erupting. Here are the tactics we have to choose from:

Take away the source - Drain the lava from the earth
Take away the method - Plug the holes on these mountains
Take away the cause - Destroy the moon
Each of these methods has their own plusses and minuses.

In order to drain the earth you would have to open up the bottom. Luckily at the bottom of the earth, the South Pole, it is very cold which would prevent the heat of the lava from melting the sides of the hole as it drains. The problem with this method is that it will remove crucial inner-earth support needed to keep the earth’s round shape. And that support will be desperately needed with all the SUVs on the roads.

The second option is to try to plug all of the holes in the earth to keep the lava in. Experts disagree on what material would be best to plug the holes. Conventional wisdom says to completely knock over the volcano and build a mall/parking complex in the space but experts say that would be risky.

[ed: Nathan has just brought up the “Superman IV Theory” which may apply here. ]

That leaves only one more option….destroying the moon. The showdown between the earth and the moon has been on the horizon for a while (actually twice a day). Some say the moon was behind the deadly tsunami in Asia last month but a spokesman for the moon, Ralph Nader, denied the allegation. Stardust Sportsbook in Las Vegas has the earth as early favorites as cooperation between all of the world powers is expected. The irony of world peace due to SUVs is lost in the struggle for survival.

Some very well thought out logic on the causes and solutions to the Global Warming "Problem".

Found over at Slowplay.