Islamic Terrorist Squirrel Attacks Continue In Lynchburg

Lynchburg, Va. - Audrey Hudgins never saw it coming, but then, who would have?

Hudgins, a sophomore at Randolph-Macon Woman’s College, was sitting on a bench outside the campus’ Main Hall on Tuesday when an apparently peaceful Muslim squirrel crawled up her leg and sat in her lap.

“They come close to you, they’re really friendly, but they don’t climb on you,” Hudgins said Wednesday.

Peaceful Muslim Squirrel
This is a common tactic with Islamic Terrorist Squirrels. They get you to lower your guard by claiming to be peaceful, wearing those cute little bow ties of theirs. Looking all civilized and such, engaging in polite conversation, being articulate and what not... then attack !

To Hudgins’ surprise, the squirrel — described as an infamous chowhound named Toby, (who recently converted to Islam and now goes by the name Sayid Subhy Shihab Squirrel) — snatched a piece of the strawberry Nutri-Grain bar she was holding.

“I said to myself, ‘That doesn’t happen every day.’”

But when Toby went back for a second bite it locked on, and bit through Hudgins’ right thumbnail.

At that point, the communications major said she tried to unlatch the Muslim squirrel by beating it against the bench. “What else do you do in that situation?” she asked. “There’s no stop, drop and roll.”

It turns out beating muslims against a bench is an effective counter-terrorism tactic.

After Hudgins shook Toby (Sayid Subhy Shihab Squirrel) off, she sat in shock.

“He’s looking at me, I’m looking at him,” (The wind blows... tumble weeds fly past... theme from The Good, The Bad And The Ugly plays in the background...) she said of the moment just before the jihadist squirrel grabbed the Nutri-Grain bar that she had dropped during the struggle and ran off screaming "Allah Akbar !"

It is unknown if there was any connection to the Islamic Suicide Arsonist Squirrel that burned a house down in Lynchburg.